Forget Teslas and Rivians—Gary wants to be your personal sugar daddy on wheels
“In a world where trucks named Slate are built like Scandinavian furniture, maybe a car named Gary is exactly the weird, dystopian energy we’ve been missing.”
— Early Gary Adopter
In a bold move that will either revolutionize the auto industry or bankrupt it faster than a crypto-themed Chuck E. Cheese, a new electric vehicle startup named “Gary” is offering to pay people to drive its cars.
Yes, you read that correctly. Gary—the automotive brand that sounds more like your divorced uncle’s bowling partner than a sleek EV manufacturer—is launching with the promise: “Drive Gary, Get Paid.” While Tesla makes you pay extra for a steering wheel and Rivian still doesn’t know what a profit is, Gary is flipping the business model like a pancake at a Denny’s.
How does it work?
According to Gary’s bafflingly confident founder and CEO, Gary Garyson (yes, really), the company uses a “revenue-positive data streaming ecosystem”—which sounds suspiciously like “we’re selling your soul and dashboard habits to advertisers.” In exchange, drivers receive monthly cash payouts, free upgrades, and “a weird amount of personalized birthday messages from AI Gary.”
“It’s simple,” says Garyson. “Other companies charge you for driving their car. We pay you for being part of the Gary movement. You’re not a customer—you’re a data-driven freedom ambassador.”
Vehicle features include:
• A fully electric drivetrain
• A 34-inch panoramic “AdVision™” screen that plays targeted ads while you drive (or cry)
• AI Gary co-pilot, who sometimes sings 80s soft rock when traffic slows
• Optional confetti cannon for when you hit charging milestones
Critics have questions.
Financial experts are calling Gary’s business model “unsustainable,” “likely illegal in 14 states,” and “somehow worse than NFTs.” Privacy advocates, meanwhile, are concerned the vehicle collects biometric data every time you sneeze or say the phrase “I’m kinda hungry.”
But early users—known as Garyans—are enthusiastic. “Look, I was broke, and now I get $47 a month just for sitting in traffic and letting my car listen to my Spotify shame playlist,” said one beta tester. “Gary is life.”
The future of driving?
Whether Gary is the next Apple-on-wheels or just an overfunded fever dream, one thing’s clear: when the car pays you, you start asking fewer questions. Like: Why does the glove box whisper product reviews at night?
