Admitting All Online Articles Are Clickbait
“So we decided, why fight it? People seem to love being baited like trout at a county fair fishing pond.”
— Editor-in-Chief Doug “Pageview” Patterson
In a stunning act of journalistic integrity—or maybe just pure laziness—The Greater Metro Gazette, a beloved regional newspaper serving the Tri-County area since 1873, has openly admitted that every single one of its online articles is, in fact, clickbait.
“Yes, it’s true,” said Editor-in-Chief Doug “Pageview” Patterson in a hastily called press conference held in the breakroom of their downtown office. “We realized that writing thoughtful, well-researched stories wasn’t getting us the engagement we needed. So we decided, why fight it? People seem to love being baited like trout at a county fair fishing pond.”
The revelation comes after months of suspicion, as readers noticed headlines like:
- “This Small Town Mayor Did WHAT with a Traffic Cone?!”
- “You’ll Never Believe What These 5 Local Cats Have in Common”
- “Is the Tri-County Bridge Haunted? The Truth Will Terrify You!”
And who could forget their investigative masterpiece: “We Put the High School Principal in a Haunted House with a GoPro. Watch What Happens Next.”
When asked if the content behind the headlines actually delivered on the hype, Patterson shrugged and responded, “Sometimes. But usually not. That’s kind of the point of clickbait, isn’t it?” He then passed out glossy pamphlets titled “How to Turn Curiosity into Revenue” featuring a pie chart with “Angry Comments” taking up a solid 70%.
According to inside sources (a.k.a. interns who will not be returning next semester), the staff at the Gazette uses an AI-generated headline tool called “Baitinator 3000,” which promises to create “100% irresistible titles.” Internally, the newsroom refers to it as “the cash register.”
Local reader Marge Tiddles expressed frustration with the shift. “I just wanted to know if they’re fixing the potholes on Maple Street, but instead I got ‘Maple Street Drivers Are Losing Their Minds Over This One Weird Trick!’”
Meanwhile, Patterson insists this is the future of news. “Look, it’s 2025. Print is dead, and no one’s clicking unless you dangle a shiny headline in front of their face. Sure, it’s shallow, but shallow pays the bills. Do you know how much we made off ads last month from our article, ‘What Your Choice of Donut Says About Your Political Leanings’? Enough to buy enough doughnuts for half of the office.”
As for the future of the Gazette, Patterson teased an upcoming exclusive titled: “The Gazette’s Big Secret Revealed: You’ll Hate Yourself for Clicking This, but You’ll Do It Anyway.”
Without a doubt, we will.
