Scientists Immediately Confused and Terrified
“At first, we thought it was an old soda can. Then we saw the blinking lights and realized… this was something else.”
ANTARCTICA—A team of scientists stationed at a remote Antarctic research base has stumbled upon a shocking discovery: drones embedded deep within the ice, containing technology so advanced it makes our smartphones look like ancient scrolls.
The drones, which appear to be older than your grandma’s fine china, were uncovered during an expedition to study climate change. “We were just drilling down to see how bad humans have messed things up when suddenly we hit metal,” said Dr. Regina Frost, lead researcher. “At first, we thought it was an old soda can. Then we saw the blinking lights and realized… this was something else.”
Alien Technology, or Just Elon Musk Again?
The devices, resembling sleek alien beetles, contain materials unknown to Earth. “This stuff doesn’t exist on the periodic table. We’re calling it Element WTF for now,” said Dr. Frost, holding up a glowing, oddly warm fragment of the drone’s interior.
The drones also appear to be powered by a form of energy scientists are describing as “definitely not Duracell.” Early tests suggest the power source is capable of running for centuries. “Or, in layman’s terms, long enough to outlive every Netflix subscription you’ve ever had,” said energy physicist Dr. Lee Tran.
Naturally, theories have begun swirling. Some say the drones are evidence of an ancient extraterrestrial visit. Others claim they’re prototypes for Jeff Bezos’ latest Amazon delivery system. “I wouldn’t be surprised if these were Bezos’,” said one scientist. “The guy loves tech and cold, lifeless environments.
Secret Messages Inside?
Even more mysterious, the drones were found to contain encoded messages. Linguists are working tirelessly to decipher what some believe could be a galactic DoorDash receipt. Early translations suggest phrases like “warning,” “do not open,” and “why are humans so bad at following instructions?”
World Leaders Respond With Denial, Panic, and Vague Tweets
Upon hearing the news, world leaders scrambled to release conflicting statements. The U.S. President called the discovery “an exciting opportunity for innovation,” while simultaneously deploying troops to Antarctica, “just in case.” Meanwhile, tech mogul Elon Musk tweeted, “Nice try, Antarctica,” sparking rumors he’s already building his own version of the alien drones to fly Teslas to Mars.
For now, the Antarctic research team plans to keep studying the drones, despite their mysterious and slightly ominous hum. “We’re not sure if this is a gift, a threat, or the alien version of littering,” said Dr. Frost. “But one thing’s for sure—this is the coolest thing to happen in Antarctica since Happy Feet.”
Stay tuned to Without a Doubt for updates. Unless the drones activate, in which case, good luck to us all.
